Anyway, how often to I write what I love? Not often. A brief glance over the pages of this blog will tell you that it’s not often that I manage to write anything at all, much less what I love. I lack the confidence to write anything and am, without fail, nowhere near a computer when I have an idea I might actually put fingers to keyboard to write about. I’ve had some good ideas lately, but alas, they’re gone, having not been written down or written about in a timely fashion. If I have a muse, she’s a sadistic sort who loves giving me inspiration at the worst possible time.

Perhaps I’m destined to love in the background, an extra in the play played out on the stage of life. Maybe a stagehand. Maybe I’m the gorilla that walks through the people bouncing balls that no one sees. I don’t know. I do know that I want to write what I love. I just need to find it when I’m capable of doing so.

If you’re registered at this site and actually watch for new posts, please place a comment on this thread. On May 1, I’ll be deleting any and all usernames that prove to be illegitimate.

Recently I’ve been reflecting on some issues that I’ve long believed plague the Christian church and, as I’m going to try to start doing, I’m going to explore those thoughts here.

Christian’s are referred to as being “born again”.  Born into a life, not free from sin, but a life that is supposed to be lived in forgiveness, reconciled to our God and seeking to grow to be like Christ.  I wonder, though, how many people really try to live like this.

I first entered into relationship with Christ when I was 12 and for most of my life since that day, I’ve lived the lifestyle of a religious idiot that just didn’t understand what it was all about.  Partly, this was my fault, because I didn’t take the time to read the Word and find out.  Frankly, at 12 years old, it didn’t make much sense and the Bible came with this certain stigma that made it intimidating for me to think about getting involved in reading.  I knew I should do it, but didn’t know why and, consequently, lacked any real motivation to do so.  Obligation will motivate someone for only so long before they start looking around and, seeing no one there to scold them for not doing as they ought, just stop doing it.

I lived this way for nearly 20 years and only about 7 years ago did I start really making an effort to grow up.  The first rule I learned about growing up spiritually was to stop looking at other people’s mistakes, sins and other miscellaneous transgressions.  As Christ taught, I started looking for the plank in my own eye rather than the spec in someone elses.  I learned 2 things from this process.

First, I learned that I wasn’t alone and a large number of people that call themselves born again Christians spend their time not looking inward and trying to develop themselves, but rather vent their rage at people committing the same sins they do.  I think these people know that things in their life need to change, but they’re unwilling to change them.  Not long ago, I read an article that claimed that the American church doesn’t have the revival that they say they want because they don’t really want it.  Revival requires personal change and people are to comfortable with their get out of hell free card to worry about changing themselves, all while being perfectly comfortable condemning others to hell over the aforementioned mutual sins.  I think at least part of this stems from people’s inability to forgive themselves for what they perceive as failure.  They have no compassion on themselves when they fail and it leads to further damage being inflicted on their already fragile egos.

Second, we hold people that aren’t Christians at a distance and refuse to show them the love and compassion that Christ showed the people he ministered to during his time on earth.  He absolutely told the truth on people but even those that rejected him were shown love and compassion.  Even those that put him on the cross were shown love and compassion; some of his last words on this earth were “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do”.  The president of the Barna Research Group, David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons, who left the Barna Group to found Fermi Project (I think, he may have co-founded Catalyst after his tenure at the Barna Group, but I’ve not verified this point yet) wrote a book called unChristian (new window) that explores 3 years of research into the opinions and attitudes of people looking at the Christian Church from the outside (and thus called “outsiders”) that I’m only just beginning to read but promises to hold some interesting criticism of the church in America.

Anyway, this isn’t intended to go so far in depth, so I’ll sum up here and move on for the time being.  In a nutshell, I think that people need to grow up, as it were.  Christians need to mature in Christ so they can start showing themselves, their brothers and sisters in Christ, and the people we’re called to minister to the love and compassion that Christ showed every day of his life.  Those outside the church don’t care what we have to say until they’ve seen how we live and how we treat those we come in contact with and we continue to live our lives in self-inflicted condemnation for sins that we should really be forgiving ourselves for an working to overcome.

I don’t write much (as if you hadn’t noticed) and there are several reasons that I don’t but the time has come for me to start.  One of the biggest hurdles I have to overcome is simply remembering to write things down.  Simply put, I’m not in the habit of writing things down as they come to me.  It’ll take time, I’m sure, but I’m taking steps to ensure that I have a more productive time here.

If you’re subscribed here and are a legitimate reader, rest assured I’m going to try to do better.  I’m not sure how long it will take for the fruit of that effort to be apparent here, but I’m actually going to make the effort.

So, keep your eyes peeled.  You may just see someone keep a New Year’s resolution.

Merlin Mann has said that writing is sometimes going for a walk and sometimes goofing around and sometimes playing with your kids and sometimes pouring glue in your chair and putting your head down and getting it done.  Right now, I guess I’m doing something that vaguely resembles the latter while my wrist reminds me that I need a new ergonomic keyboard.

I’ve noticed that I never find my muse (for as cheesy as that sounds) when I’m near a computer.  I’ll find it on the john, or when I’m climbing into bed or when I’m driving home from work (with the radio OFF).  I find my inspiration in my musings about whatever topic comes to mind when my brain is free to wander on its own.  Certain things that I can’t predict or understand take root and spring up and become a source of thought for a while and I’m never in front of a computer when I do it.

Still, as I sit here, I realize that I’m normal for a “creative”.  I recently watched a movie that ended with a line that went something like “I’m going to go find my next story.  I hope you do the same”.  I don’t tend to tell stories so much, but taking the line as a metaphor goes a long way to producing the transition.  Sometimes I need to go find the story.  I need to go find the inspiration in my musings over topics that may not interest anyone but me.  I need to let my mind go for a walk even if I’m stuck behind the wheel of the family minivan in rush hour traffic.

It’s encouraging though, knowing that you’re not strange for being the way you are.  I read recently that minds that are allowed to wander or, more specifically, people that don’t force themselves to focus on a problem are more likely to experience a revelation; that a-ha moment that suddenly explains things.  I’ve long thought I was lazy or stupid and here I’ve gone and discovered after all my years on earth that I’m just normal.  That feels pretty good.

So I’m off to find my next story.  Hope you do the same.

While perusing this article in the May-June 2008 issue of Psychology Today, I flashed back to one of my recent blog posts in which I wrote about some of my past issues with self-confidence.  It occurs to me that, perhaps, it would be beneficial for me to look at this from a slightly different perspective.

From the article:

But frustration is one thing; the decision to give up in the face of adversity is quite another. Why do many people simply surrender when faced with big goals and big problems? How did we acquire this tendency to feel hopeless in the face of a career setback or despair over ever recovering from a breakup (and so do nothing to move on from the relationship)?

The fact is that high-stakes situations demand a different calculus than do run-of-the-mill frustrations. When much is at stake—when, for example, we seek access to power, status, and mates—we often frame the problem as a binary choice, because for most of human history, time and options were severely limited in important matters. Do I go all out and fight for the corner office? Do I risk the relationship by declaring my need for commitment? Or do I do nothing at all and passively wait to see what happens?

On important and challenging matters, we hew to a simple heuristic: Fight, or don’t. Either we take on quandaries wholeheartedly or we feel defeated and immobilized. That heuristic also states, “If I choose to fight, I must win.” Helplessness comes from the idea that one must win at all costs, coupled with the fact that there is never a guarantee of a positive outcome.

A person with a must-win outlook creates an untenable demand that is immobilizing. We propel ourselves toward a goal with the all-or-nothing imperative only to feel a pervasive sense of defeat when we realize we’re not getting all that we think we must. This paradox explains why people often stop working toward the things they most desire.

It should be noted that performance anxiety isn’t really characterized by an internal struggle with our opinion of ourselves but rather by an internal struggle with an external idea, that being the approval and acceptance of others.  In a nutshell, if we do well we’re loved by those whose approval we seek and, conversely, if we do poorly the opinion of those people changes in kind.  I struggled with performance anxiety, but as I consider the quoted paragraphs, I see the same internal argument used in both situations.

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I’m not much of a baseball fan, but I do know who Ted Williams was.  Called the most successful batter in MLB history, he is the only player to ever bat over .400 for a season.  4 out of 10 times, he hit the ball.  6 out of 10 times, he didn’t.  The best batter ever failed more than he succeeded.  I’ll let you work out the implications.

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Today you will see why I keep “Confessions of a Bad Christian” as my blog title. Recently the movie Bull Durham was on a cable channel and I watched it again. Hard to believe it has been over 20 years since it was released. In this article I am going to draw some spiritual applications from an R-rated movie. Gasp. In my early church experience real Christians didn’t watch any movie and most assuredly not an R-rated one. The really godly people did not drink or dance. The really, really godly people did not have televisions. They were a laugh a minute. If any of those folks were to read today’s post they would no doubt remove me from their fellowship that I used to call “The First Church Of Misery Loves Company But We Probably Won’t Love You”.

Despite that risk of censure I press on. No baseball movie that I have seen comes closer to capturing the unique culture of baseball like Bull Durham. It has some rough language and sexual content (see previous sentence). So parents and good Christians should proceed with caution. The main characters are a young pitching phenom (Nook LaLoosh) and a nearly washed up but knowledgeable catcher (Crash Davis) that is brought in to mentor the prize prospect. One of my favorite scenes is when Crash teaches the young pitcher how to handle interviews with the press.

Crash Davis: “It’s time to work on your interviews.”
Nuke LaLoosh: “My interviews? What do I gotta do?”
Crash Davis: “You’re gonna have to learn your clichés. You’re gonna have to study them, you’re gonna have to know them. They’re your friends. Write this down: “We gotta play it one day at a time.”
Nuke LaLoosh: “Got to play… it’s pretty boring.”
Crash Davis: “Course it’s boring, that’s the point. Write it down.”

I have learned that the journey with Jesus is simply living it one day at a time. Write it down. You can’t live in regret of the past. It is forgiven. You can’t live in fear of the future. It is in God’s Hands. You live in the moment, one day at a time, trusting Him for that day. That’s the point. Play it one day at a time.

My friend John Weber passed away two years ago. He had a saying that I love.

“God didn’t call me to be spectacular. He called me to be faithful.”

Write it down.

Another quote from the movie Bull Durham had spiritual application for me.

“This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.”

In many ways Christianity is a very simple faith that we have made incredibly legalistic and difficult. To paraphrase the line above. “You love the Lord your God. You love your neighbor. Sometimes it is easy. sometimes it is hard. Sometimes life rains on you.”

Why do I want to make it so maddeningly complex? Jesus said that two things are the most important.

One of the religion scholars came up. Hearing the lively exchanges of question and answer and seeing how sharp Jesus was in his answers, he put in his question: “Which is most important of all the commandments?”
Jesus said, “The first in importance is, ‘Listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one; so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.’ And here is the second: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ There is no other commandment that ranks with these.”

Today I sit here and wonder why I ever tried to make it anything else? The scholar who heard the words of Jesus “got it”.

The religion scholar said, “A wonderful answer, Teacher! So lucid and accurate—that God is one and there is no other. And loving him with all passion and intelligence and energy, and loving others as well as you love yourself. Why, that’s better than all offerings and sacrifices put together!” (Mark 12, The Message)

I wonder how the body of Christ would look differently if we concentrated on those two simple commands? Would we worry so much about the worship music style and the vestibule carpet color? Why do we get so exorcised about what other Christians are doing and other people are saying? Why do we care so much about being treated fairly and getting what we deserve? If we concentrated on those two commands we would be so much happier and effective for Christ. We would experience and give grace.

But do I get it? Or do I still get sidetracked by life and pride and worries? It is really very simple. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart. Read the Word daily. Love others as you love yourself. That is what Jesus told me to do. Nothing about programs or positions or curriculum or strategies.

Love God. Love others.

Write it down.

And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, we’ve seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain leaking through the door, tides at war

If a hurricane doesn’t leave you dead
It will make you strong
Don’t try to explain it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

[Guitar Solo]

And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain buried the 9th Ward to the 2nd floor

According to my watch the time is now
Past is dead and gone
Don’t try to shake it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

Don’t try to explain it just bow your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

According to my watch the time is now, the past is dead and gone.  Jimmy Buffett comes through for sober people.  How ironic is that?
Still, this is a great mindset…  yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift; that is why it is called the present.

How many times have I gotten hung up on the past or worried about the future, when I should just take a breath and keep on moving?  How many times would it have been a great thing for me to look down at a watch that said “NOW”.

I don’t have some profound point to make about this.  I’m just writing because the song makes me think.  Hopefully, it’ll make you think, too.

Now then, on to the subject of this post.

I’ve long had a penchant for disappearing into fantasy worlds.  For a very long time I disappeared into video games for hours on end, but finding myself with less and less interest in playing video games for hours at a time, I did something unthinkable.  I started picking up (*GASP*) books.  I started reading again with a book I first read 20 years ago called “Red Sky at Morning”.  A very good book that I’ll tell you about in more detail sometime.

I just finished another book yesterday.  “The Host“, by “Twilight” author Stehpanie Meyer.  I’ve not read the Twilight series (though my wife has read all the books twice and my daughter is working on book 4) but I found this book that my wife described as “sorta science fiction but not really” and I thought, why not, I’ll give it a shot.  She warned me that it starts off kinda slow and I was off.

The book does, indeed, start slowly.  It’s nearly 60 chapters long, and for the first 10 or 15 I didn’t really understand why I kept reading.  I didn’t feel any real connection with the characters.  I wasn’t really grabbed by the story yet.  Still, I kept reading.  Saturday and Sunday, I read better than two thirds of the book and just couldn’t put it down.

I’ll spare you the story details, the plot, all that good stuff.  You can find that stuff anywhere.  What I do want to tell you is why this book was, to me, really great.  I cried, several times, as the book wound down to it’s conclusion and today, knowing that there was no more book to read, I was sad.  Not sad because I wasn’t going to be able to read anymore of the story, but sad because I felt as if I’d been separated from new friends that I’d shared and experienced a lot with.

You should know that I’m a very visual person and this is something that makes me a slow reader.  Books, good or bad, play out as movies captured in my skull.  I disappear into the world that’s been created by the author.  I become part of the story.  If the writer does a good job, I become attached to the people in that world because I’m living in it, with them.  Never has this been more true than in “The Host”.  I’m sad because I feel a sense of separation; of loss.  I miss the characters as if they were real.  It is for this reason that I say that this is one of the best books I’ve ever read.  I laughed with them, cried with them, cried for them, and now miss them terribly.  Even worse, there doesn’t seem to be much room for another installment.  Nor should there be, if you ask me.  The story ends perfectly: enough left hanging to let you fill in more story as you see fit, and final enough that you know it’s the end.

If you’ve not read this book, and you love a good story, I encourage you to check it out.  It wasn’t something I expected to like but I found that I loved it and am quite happy I spent the time in this world.

Mrs. Meyer, I look forward to the next one.

The thing I don’t seem to take into account is that I have a broad scope of experience in many different areas.  A friend of mine once wrote that being a jack of all trades was once a desired job skill while today, well, not so much.  For what I spend my days doing, though, it’s not a bad way to go.  As I progress in school and toward what I believe to be my call in life, I’m challenged to grow as an individual, but I’m also challenged to grow and learn in a wide range of subjects, which leads me to believe that, perhaps, I’ve been blessed with a personality that is perfectly suited to something I don’t yet fully understand, but it’s much easier for me to take it easy on myself in the process.

That’s not to say that I’ve not made mistakes and that I might not be closer to, if not already reaching, that goal if I’d done things differently, but I can say that I’m one of the only people I know that regularly looks to himself and tries to find something that makes me less than perfect so I can improve personally.  I think that’s something to be proud of.